Style Conversational Week 1258: Click and Save! Links to all the contests for Style Invitational Week 1258, plus unprintable business names We went with Harvey Weinstein, but here’s Bob Staake’s sketch to illustrate another winner I was considering as an example for this week: It was Drew Bennett’s entry on Creating the Pigeon: “GOD: We need to discourage false idols. ANGEL: How about creating a bird that eats statues? GOD: Let’s use the other end.” (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 14, 2017 I was too close to deadline last Thursday, writing about the first of two weeks of Style Invitational retrospective contests, when I realized that I could supply all the links /right here/ to the contests we were repeating, rather than explaining how to find them elsewhere. And so for Part 2, Week 1258 , I’m supplying them in the list below. However, as for all Washington Post content, you have to subscribe to read more than a few articles each month, and the links below will indeed count against The Post’s paywall. Of course, I think that everyone who appreciates the important work of journalists — at a time when our government routinely lies to us — should subscribe to The Washington Post, especially with these promotions: *Through midnight tonight!* For The Post online, with unlimited access to articles: $100 a year — that’s less than $2 a week — plus a free “Democracy Dies in Darkness T-shirt! This sign-up link should work. I believe the regular rate is $139. If you read The Style Invitational and Conversational once a week, why shouldn’t you fork over a few cents each for them? (And I am told that there are actually some other useful articles that might be worth a few more cents.) If you have a .mil or .gov email address, you can get a free subscription: https://subscribe.washingtonpost.com/specialoffer/#/gov-mil If you’re a teacher or a college student, you can get the digital Post for $5 a month: https://subscribe.washingtonpost.com/acqlite/edu-offer/ But for those who’ve had problems with the customer service department, and for those out-of-towners who are already subscribing to other papers, I certainly don’t want to prevent you from contributing to The Style Invitational. So in that case, go ahead and use Elden Carnahan’s Master Contest List, as I note in this week’s and last week’s contest. The links on Elden’s page are to plain text files plus PDFs of both the print and Web Invites; they’re sometimes not as pretty as what the actual links will give you, but they’ll be fine to use this week. Again, the links in the list below go to the actual Post pages. The descriptions below aren’t always completely precise; please read the actual directions for each contest. And whichever way you access them, please check the results of that contest — in the contest four weeks later — to make sure you’re not duplicating any of the entries that got ink. And remember to send your entries not to those weeks’ entry forms, but to wapo.st/enter-invite-1258. Note my incredible magnanimity in extending this week’s entry deadline 24 hours to Dec. 26. Week 1230 , a brief monologue or dialogue about a Creator’s plans for a new being Week 1231 , a TankaWanka poem on the news (like haiku, but with 5-7-5-7-7, and two lines must rhyme) Week 1232 , Picture This: cartoon captions (because of space limitations, I wouldn’t run one of these in the print results, but it’s possible for the Web version) (No contests Weeks 1233-34) Week 1235 , song parodies about science and technology Week 1236 , portmanfaux: bogus explanations of how a real word is the combination of two or more others Week 1237 , rewrite a real headline from this week’s papers or websites by using a lot of alliteration Week 1238 , coin a three-­word phrase whose words begin with D, E and F (in any order) and describe it Week 1239 , combine two real movie titles and describe the resulting movie Week 1240, limericks featuring words beginning /gh-/ or /gi-/ Week 1241 , using the partially filled in crossword grid provided, add your own letters to make a new word and define it Week 1242, then/now jokes Week 1243, neologisms that don’t include a T, R, U, M or P Week 1244 , write a funny review for any of six everyday items that are sold on Amazon.com Week 1245 , complain cluelessly about something that appeared in the paper recently Week 1246 , Questionable Journalism: find any sentence in the paper recently and pair it with a question it might answer. Week 1247 , reinterpret a movie title as a different movie, and write a line from its “script” Week 1248 , “untrue confessions” as in Stephen Colbert’s feature, or a true embarrassing anecdote Week 1249 , Ask Backwards: Choose any of the 15 provided items and follow it with a question that it could humorously answer Week 1250 , poems incorporating three or more terms that were first used in a certain year, according to Merriam-Webster’s Time Traveler tool Week 1251 , things to be thankful for Week 1252 , names for fanciful medical products Week 1253 , bogus trivia about clothing and fashion Week 1254 , change the name of a business by one letter and describe the new company *BUSINESS CARDS*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1254* /*Non-inking headline by Brad Alexander/ //One easy way to start compiling your 25-entry “dance card,” as Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis calls it, is to resubmit your best non-inking entries from Week 1254, in which you change the name of a business by one letter and describe the result. I went through a two-day judgeathon of an estimated 2,200 entries, eventually selecting a “shortlist” of about 200 worthies. I never checked the names of the authors of the 150 on the list that didn’t get ink, but if you’re one of the 190 Losers who entered but came up dry this week, you’re /surely / on that list, right? Or maybe you wrote one of the dozens of entries that had funny business names but meh descriptions; maybe you’d like to give it a rewrite and try again. I’m headed back to the post office to get another pile of stamps to send out next week with the prizes for /forty / individual winners in Week 1254 — including many new or newish names besides the Usual Suspects: We have three First Offenders, plus two who are now bumped off theOne Hit Wonder list. Last week, as I looked up name after name of the entries I’d chosen in Week 1253, I became increasingly dismayed as each author turned out to be male; only two of the 26 inking Losers were women (and it was a faux-trivia contest on clothes and fashion). So this week I was heartened to discover that three of the top four entries I’d chosen were by women, and many more got honorable mentions. (Yes, I have been accused of being prejudiced against women. Go figure.) It’s the 10th win — but the first of our new Lose Cannon trophies — for Danielle Nowlin, whose In-No-Out Burger cafe for cats gives Danielle her 273rd blot of Invite ink. But the rest of the Losers’ Circle is filled with less familiar names: Ellen Raphaeli (Swearovski crystals as make-up jewelry) is back after some years away for Ink No. 84; Jeff Loren (“uncultured” Bannon Yogurt) in his first ink “above the fold,” and 21st overall; and Beryl Benderly, who’s been Inviting since all the way back in Week 94, but sporadically; Beryl gets her 13th blot of ink, and her second runner-up prize. Jeff and Beryl get their choice of the “I Got a B in Punmanship” tote bag and the “You Gotta Play to Lose” mug. *The Feeney Funny: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood is out of town this week, so Also Ace Mary Feeney, who’s filling in for him, got to read the Invite on the multiplatform desk, as the copy desk is now known. Mary told me she had a grand time reading this week’s results, singling out half a dozen faves among the honorable mentions: Christy Tosatto’s “Five Goys,” Jesse Frankovich’s nerdy “Charles Schwa,” Jesse’s “T.M.I. Friday’s,” Dave Prevar’s “Sorta” mattresses, Gordon Cobb’s “Guber” rural ride service, and First Offender Suvinay Subramanian’s “L’Ordeal” 20-step haircolor process. (See the bottom of the page for a list of unprintable entries, but not if they’re going to bother you; some are pretty crude.) *WATCH FOR YOUR PARTY EVITE! * Again, on behalf of the Loser Community I’ll soon be sending out an Evite to the *Losers’ Post Holiday Party , the evening of Saturday, Jan. 13, * in Metro-walkable Chevy Chase. But if you’re not on last year’s mailing list (and don’t want to email me to get added), I’ll post a link in a future Style Conversational, hopefully next week. More immediately: Longtime Loser Edward Gordon will be in town from Austin at the end of the month, and I hope he’ll be able to meet some Losers andStyle Invitational Devotees at *lunch on Saturday, Dec. 30, * at the chili joint Hard Times Cafe in Alexandria near the King Street Metro station. I’ll be there for sure. Let me know if you can join us. *THE MISSING INC*.: THIS WEEK’S UNPRINTABLES* /*Noink by Jon Gearhart/ Among — /among /— the no-way stuff this week: Chilf’s: Rated America’s #1 restaurant by NAMBLA — and Roy Moore (Steve McClemons) The Spurts Authority: Las Vegas’ oldest, and still best, “gentleman’s club” (Rob Huffman) Nadsaq: Keeping track of where to invest and protect the family jewels. (Chris Doyle; Steve Bremner) Safewad: 100% guaranteed condom dispensary. (Mark Raffman) Star*ucks: Harvey Weinstein’s new coffee shop (Marni Penning Coleman) Testee Lauder: When you want to look your best... everywhere (Dave Matuskey) . Peterwilt: Purveyors of Really Big Rigs to Those Found Wanting Them (Ivars Kuskevics) Jizza Hut - Tom Witte’s favorite entry this week (not by Prince of the Unprintables Tom Witte, but by Jeff Hazle) The Rump Organization: “[Rhymes with “sittin’] on top of the world...” (David Wolinsky) Kooch Industries: America’s most private company (Jerome Uher) Jack on the Box: Pay per view. (Michael Rolfe) Oy. Happy Hanukkah, y’all — and get retrospecting.