Style Conversational Week 1258: Click and Save!
Links to all the contests for Style Invitational Week 1258, plus
unprintable business names
We went with Harvey Weinstein, but here’s Bob Staake’s sketch to
illustrate another winner I was considering as an example for this week:
It was Drew Bennett’s entry on Creating the Pigeon: “GOD: We need to
discourage false idols. ANGEL: How about creating a bird that eats
statues? GOD: Let’s use the other end.” (Bob Staake for The Washington
Post )
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email //
Bio //
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December 14, 2017
I was too close to deadline last Thursday, writing about the first of
two weeks of Style Invitational retrospective contests, when I realized
that I could supply all the links /right here/ to the contests we were
repeating, rather than explaining how to find them elsewhere. And so for
Part 2, Week 1258 , I’m supplying them in the
list below.
However, as for all Washington Post content, you have to subscribe to
read more than a few articles each month, and the links below will
indeed count against The Post’s paywall. Of course, I think that
everyone who appreciates the important work of journalists — at a time
when our government routinely lies to us — should subscribe to The
Washington Post, especially with these promotions:
*Through midnight tonight!* For The Post online, with unlimited access
to articles: $100 a year — that’s less than $2 a week — plus a free
“Democracy Dies in Darkness T-shirt! This sign-up link should work.
I believe the regular rate is $139. If you read The Style Invitational
and Conversational once a week, why shouldn’t you fork over a few cents
each for them? (And I am told that there are actually some other useful
articles that might be worth a few more cents.)
If you have a .mil or .gov email address, you can get a free subscription:
https://subscribe.washingtonpost.com/specialoffer/#/gov-mil
If you’re a teacher or a college student, you can get the digital Post
for $5 a month:
https://subscribe.washingtonpost.com/acqlite/edu-offer/
But for those who’ve had problems with the customer service department,
and for those out-of-towners who are already subscribing to other
papers, I certainly don’t want to prevent you from contributing to The
Style Invitational. So in that case, go ahead and use Elden Carnahan’s
Master Contest List,
as
I note in this week’s and last week’s contest. The links on Elden’s page
are to plain text files plus PDFs of both the print and Web Invites;
they’re sometimes not as pretty as what the actual links will give you,
but they’ll be fine to use this week.
Again, the links in the list below go to the actual Post pages. The
descriptions below aren’t always completely precise; please read the
actual directions for each contest. And whichever way you access them,
please check the results of that contest — in the contest four weeks
later — to make sure you’re not duplicating any of the entries that got
ink. And remember to send your entries not to those weeks’ entry forms,
but to wapo.st/enter-invite-1258.
Note my incredible magnanimity in extending this week’s entry deadline
24 hours to Dec. 26.
Week 1230 , a brief monologue or dialogue
about a Creator’s plans for a new being
Week 1231 , a TankaWanka poem on the news
(like haiku, but with 5-7-5-7-7, and two lines must rhyme)
Week 1232 , Picture This: cartoon captions
(because of space limitations, I wouldn’t run one of these in the print
results, but it’s possible for the Web version)
(No contests Weeks 1233-34)
Week 1235 , song parodies about science and
technology
Week 1236 , portmanfaux: bogus explanations
of how a real word is the combination of two or more others
Week 1237 , rewrite a real headline from this
week’s papers or websites by using a lot of alliteration
Week 1238 , coin a three-word phrase whose
words begin with D, E and F (in any order) and describe it
Week 1239 , combine two real movie titles and
describe the resulting movie
Week 1240, limericks featuring words
beginning /gh-/ or /gi-/
Week 1241 , using the partially filled in
crossword grid provided, add your own letters to make a new word and
define it
Week 1242, then/now jokes
Week 1243, neologisms that don’t include a
T, R, U, M or P
Week 1244 , write a funny review for any of
six everyday items that are sold on Amazon.com
Week 1245 , complain cluelessly about
something that appeared in the paper recently
Week 1246 , Questionable Journalism: find any
sentence in the paper recently and pair it with a question it might answer.
Week 1247 , reinterpret a movie title as a
different movie, and write a line from its “script”
Week 1248 , “untrue confessions” as in
Stephen Colbert’s feature, or a true embarrassing anecdote
Week 1249 , Ask Backwards: Choose any of the
15 provided items and follow it with a question that it could humorously
answer
Week 1250 , poems incorporating three or more
terms that were first used in a certain year, according to
Merriam-Webster’s Time Traveler tool
Week 1251 , things to be thankful for
Week 1252 , names for fanciful medical products
Week 1253 , bogus trivia about clothing and
fashion
Week 1254 , change the name of a business by
one letter and describe the new company
*BUSINESS CARDS*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1254*
/*Non-inking headline by Brad Alexander/
//One easy way to start compiling your 25-entry “dance card,” as Hall of
Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis calls it, is to resubmit your best
non-inking entries from Week 1254, in which you change the name of a
business by one letter and describe the result. I went through a two-day
judgeathon of an estimated 2,200 entries, eventually selecting a
“shortlist” of about 200 worthies. I never checked the names of the
authors of the 150 on the list that didn’t get ink, but if you’re one of
the 190 Losers who entered but came up dry this week, you’re /surely /
on that list, right? Or maybe you wrote one of the dozens of entries
that had funny business names but meh descriptions; maybe you’d like to
give it a rewrite and try again.
I’m headed back to the post office to get another pile of stamps to send
out next week with the prizes for /forty / individual winners in Week
1254 — including many new or newish names besides the Usual Suspects: We
have three First Offenders, plus two who are now bumped off theOne Hit
Wonder list.
Last week, as I looked up name after name of the entries I’d chosen in
Week 1253, I became increasingly dismayed as each author turned out to
be male; only two of the 26 inking Losers were women (and it was a
faux-trivia contest on clothes and fashion). So this week I was
heartened to discover that three of the top four entries I’d chosen were
by women, and many more got honorable mentions. (Yes, I have been
accused of being prejudiced against women. Go figure.)
It’s the 10th win — but the first of our new Lose Cannon trophies — for
Danielle Nowlin, whose In-No-Out Burger cafe
for cats gives Danielle her 273rd blot of Invite ink. But the rest of
the Losers’ Circle is filled with less familiar names: Ellen Raphaeli
(Swearovski crystals as make-up jewelry) is back after some years away
for Ink No. 84; Jeff Loren (“uncultured” Bannon Yogurt) in his first ink
“above the fold,” and 21st overall; and Beryl Benderly, who’s been
Inviting since all the way back in Week 94, but sporadically; Beryl gets
her 13th blot of ink, and her second runner-up prize. Jeff and Beryl get
their choice of the “I Got a B in Punmanship” tote bag and the “You
Gotta Play to Lose” mug.
*The Feeney Funny: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood is out of town this
week, so Also Ace Mary Feeney, who’s filling in for him, got to read the
Invite on the multiplatform desk, as the copy desk is now known. Mary
told me she had a grand time reading this week’s results, singling out
half a dozen faves among the honorable mentions: Christy Tosatto’s “Five
Goys,” Jesse Frankovich’s nerdy “Charles Schwa,” Jesse’s “T.M.I.
Friday’s,” Dave Prevar’s “Sorta” mattresses, Gordon Cobb’s “Guber” rural
ride service, and First Offender Suvinay Subramanian’s “L’Ordeal”
20-step haircolor process.
(See the bottom of the page for a list of unprintable entries, but not
if they’re going to bother you; some are pretty crude.)
*WATCH FOR YOUR PARTY EVITE! *
Again, on behalf of the Loser Community I’ll soon be sending out an
Evite to the *Losers’ Post Holiday Party , the evening of Saturday, Jan.
13, * in Metro-walkable Chevy Chase. But if you’re not on last year’s
mailing list (and don’t want to email me to get added), I’ll post a link
in a future Style Conversational, hopefully next week.
More immediately: Longtime Loser Edward Gordon will be in town from
Austin at the end of the month, and I hope he’ll be able to meet some
Losers andStyle Invitational Devotees at *lunch
on Saturday, Dec. 30, * at the chili joint Hard Times Cafe in Alexandria
near the King Street Metro station. I’ll be there for sure. Let me know
if you can join us.
*THE MISSING INC*.: THIS WEEK’S UNPRINTABLES*
/*Noink by Jon Gearhart/
Among — /among /— the no-way stuff this week:
Chilf’s: Rated America’s #1 restaurant by NAMBLA — and Roy Moore (Steve
McClemons)
The Spurts Authority: Las Vegas’ oldest, and still best, “gentleman’s
club” (Rob Huffman)
Nadsaq: Keeping track of where to invest and protect the family jewels.
(Chris Doyle; Steve Bremner)
Safewad: 100% guaranteed condom dispensary. (Mark Raffman)
Star*ucks: Harvey Weinstein’s new coffee shop (Marni Penning Coleman)
Testee Lauder: When you want to look your best... everywhere (Dave
Matuskey) .
Peterwilt: Purveyors of Really Big Rigs to Those Found Wanting Them
(Ivars Kuskevics)
Jizza Hut - Tom Witte’s favorite entry this week (not by Prince of the
Unprintables Tom Witte, but by Jeff Hazle)
The Rump Organization: “[Rhymes with “sittin’] on top of the world...”
(David Wolinsky)
Kooch Industries: America’s most private company (Jerome Uher)
Jack on the Box: Pay per view. (Michael Rolfe)
Oy.
Happy Hanukkah, y’all — and get retrospecting.